An Orientation to Spiritual Guidance & Soul Friendship
This is a quick overview of the "spiritual direction" process for anyone who is:
- seeking assistance with spiritual development
- establishing or deepening a relationship with a friend/guide/mentor
- curious about the subject of spiritual companionship
All varieties of spiritual direction have a basic purpose in common: to help people develop spiritually. There is broad variance, however, in the degree of formality, mutuality and authority that can come into play. The people involved can view the "helping relationship" from many different perspectives. And factors like setting, faith orientation, and format can have a significant affect on the flow of development. It is helpful for those engaged in spiritual direction to know where they fit in the spectrum of these differences. This document aims to raise awareness of common variables.
There are two major classes of spiritual direction. First is the classic model of the teacher/student, master/disciple or mentor/mentee relationship. Second is the "soul friend" model based on companionship and attention. Neither of these excludes the other, but usually when people say "spiritual direction" (or "guidance", "discipleship", "companioning" or similar terms) they are referring to one paradigm or the other. In many religious communities, one of these is the assumed meaning while the other is less known or unknown.
Another major differentiator is "professionalism". On one hand, people go to priests, monks, rabbis, shamans, gurus, charismatic personalities, and so on for spiritual help. On the other hand, people look among their friends, families and lay communities for help. Both types spring from a common source, yet the more formal kind is more apt to be called something special like "spiritual direction", while the informal kind is not apt to have any name at all besides "friendship". Nonetheless, it's direction any time one person helps another take a step on the spiritual path.
With these major distinctions in mind, consider the variations below.
Varieties of "Direction"
The word direction in the term "spiritual direction" has two major connotations.
In the meaning that probably first comes to mind for most people, one person directs another. One person, often called the "spiritual director", who presumably has greater authority and wisdom, serves as a guide or mentor to others. This was the original usage of the term "spiritual direction" within historical Christianity.
An alternative meaning, more common since the dawn of humanistic psychology, focuses on direction as an inner experience. Here, the "directee" primarily follows guidance from within -- from his or her own felt-sense of being led or pointed in the right direction. The way one helps others, in this approach, is by trusting that people have something like a "spiritual compass" inside, and by helping them to locate and read it. In this type of "direction", external advice is helpful but secondary. Accordingly, good listening and facilitation skills can be more valuable than expert knowledge and authority. Practitioners of this type are often uncomfortable with the term "spiritual director", preferring instead "companion" or "friend".
Varieties of Mutuality
Spiritual direction can be one-way or mutual. In the one-way variety, one person is explicitly just a helper, assisting another person without receiving help back. The one-way helper in turn would seek spiritual direction in an entirely separate setting. For example, a minister might offer one-way spiritual companionship to parishioners, and go to a nearby spirituality center for his/her own spiritual direction. Mutual spiritual direction happens when more than one person gets help in the same "session" -- such as in group spiritual direction, or informally between two friends.
Varieties of Formality
Informal spiritual direction happens any time one person casually assists another's spiritual journey. It could be scheduled or unscheduled, purposeful or spontaneous, one-way or mutual. Two friends could engage in spiritual direction over coffee. Or a parishioner could take a moment of spiritual direction with a minister after a church service.
Formal spiritual direction happens when one person deliberately schedules a special time in a dedicated place for help from another. It has an explicit, primary, dedicated purpose of facilitating spiritual growth. The more formal the spiritual direction, the more likely it is to be one-way and not mutual.
Varieties of Authority
The nature and course of spiritual direction can be strongly affected if it is under the umbrella of authority. Guidance from an authority figure can be powerfully transforming, if it aligns with the directee's needs and proclivities. As mentioned above, however, "directors" do not all see themselves as authorities, and many "directees" seek "facilitation" rather than authority from their helpers. So, there is some hazard of mismatching assumptions. Moreover, issues of authority can sometimes compromise an otherwise helpful relationship. For example, in a monastery, younger members of the community may be reluctant if they receive their guidance from elders who have authority over their lives and who evaluate the content of their meetings. Similarly, some people with religious vocations or commitments might seek spiritual direction because they are "supposed to", not because they feel the personal need.
An issue closely related to authority is doctrine. When spiritual direction happens under the auspices of particular religious teachings, there might be "normal" outcomes that are presupposed. Progress, or lack of it, is then measured in terms of whether those norms are met. For example, picture an elder who attained spiritual depth by following the traditional instructions of a particular religion and then directs novices according to those same instructions. Doctrinal spiritual guidance can be powerful if: a) the underlying doctrine is truly wise, and b) both the director and the directee have the same religious orientation. When spiritual direction is aligned that way, doctrine can keep a directee on a swift and steady course. However, diverging expectations and assumptions can lead to difficulty in this type of relationship. False expectation can make people blind to what is actually happening, so spiritual opportunities can be missed. And if a directee feels the spirit moving in ways that are "unauthorized" or "against doctrine", he or she can become alienated.
At the other end of the spectrum, there is spiritual direction with no presumed authority or outcome -- except the ultimate authority of the inner spirit of individuals. This type of spiritual direction can liberating for many seekers , especially those whose beliefs or experiences do not fit traditional standards. Yet, it can be too unstructured and unfocused for others who wish to progress on a traditional religious path.
Varieties of Giftedness
Helpful spiritual companions are often "gifted" in some way. Some are deeply intuitive, giving them insight into others' subtle inner workings. Some have voracious curiosity, that helps draw others into profound self-expression. Some are naturally strong at setting up trustworthy, collaborative relationships. Some are inspiringly faithful. Some are uncommonly practical. And so on.
Yet, such gifts are often mixed with other all-too-human character traits. For example, picture a spiritual director who has a profound knowledge of spiritual practices but comes across as cold and aloof. Such a companion would be fine for a confident, experienced directee, but maybe not a confused novice. On the other hand, picture a director who is disarmingly warm, friendly and faithful, but who is a "workaholic" and therefore never spends any time in silent contemplation. That companion could be perfect for someone who needs a safe environment for exploring spiritual growth, while being "too fuzzy" for others who are more athletic.
Varieties of Faith Orientation
Spiritual direction can be intra-faith, inter-faith or extra-faith. "Intra-faith" is probably the most common: it happens entirely within a particular religious tradition, or even between members of a single community, eg. a Catholic parish. "Inter-faith" direction happens between parties that are each committed members of a particular faith tradition, just not the same one, eg. a Methodist and a Zen Buddhist. And "extra-faith" relationships occur when some or all of those involved are unaffiliated with any faith tradition. Each of these orientations place very different demands upon the language that can be safely used, and upon whether various assumptions can be safely made. While some will seek the familiarity of guidance from within a tradition, others will seek an outside source of guidance in order to gain a different perspective. And still others, without a spiritual home of their own, will just seek generic help wherever they can find it.
Varieties of Relationship
Human relationships are rich in variety, and every one is unique in some way. The same can be said for spiritual direction relationships -- but they do tend to cluster, however, in two distinct categories.
Spiritual Friendship -- in which the primary attribute of the relationship is "friendship". Friendship here means that caring companionship is the primary source of motivation and power. But the relationship need not be "friendly" in the usual sense. It could be a formal, one-way authority relationship and still be a "spiritual friendship" if a spirit of caring companionship takes the lead. This type of relationship is sometimes called a "co-pilgrimage", because there is a sense that "we're on this journey together."
Mentoring & Guidance -- in which the relationship is founded on the assumption that a "director" has a level of knowledge or attainment that is being sought by a "directee". The mentor is assumed to be far ahead on the journey, and therefore has expertise of value to those farther back on the path. Similarly, a mentoring relationship may be based upon the mentor's knowledge of techniques that his or her students wish to master. Caveat: in these relationships, the mentor may or may not actually be advanced, and may have been granted status as "a guide" by a religious hierarchy, by acclamation of the people, or indeed by self-appointment.
Varieties of Format
The most common format for spiritual direction is a once-per-month, live "in-person", hour-long meeting in a private space. Variations from that norm usually have an explicit rationale.
It is widely agreed that face-to-face spiritual direction is the most powerful and effective. A wealth of non-verbal communication infuses an in-person relationship, in ways that cannot happen indirectly. However, there are many circumstances in which indirect forms, such as phone or Internet, may be appropriate. While a person living in, say, San Francisco should have no problem finding a local spiritual companion, another person living in a rural area or abroad could have a much harder time. Fully-abled mobile persons can travel to appropriate locations, while home-bound or non-mobile others cannot. A relationship that started off face-to-face might fruitfully continue if a person relocates a great distance away. As long as people check their local options first, non-local options are worth exploring.
The once-per-month interval seems to be the pattern that most people eventually fall into. People might want to meet more often at first -- to get "up to speed", or work on some pressing issue. Or, during a "spiritual growth spurt" it could be powerful to meet weekly. During a time of retreat, daily meetings or even multiple sessions per day could be perfect. But over the long haul, monthly meeting tends to be a good pace.
Finally, the nature of the meeting space can be very important. The best spaces are private ones in dedicated places. The best place for effective guidance is probably an office in a church or professional building, situated to permit confidentiality. Unfortunately, such spaces are hard to come by. Churches are usually short on space, and professional offices are often unaffordable. Many directors meet with people in their homes, which can be OK but it is important to mind boundary issues in that setting. The worst place to meet is in public at a restaurant or coffee shop. Public places can be good for a first "get acquainted" meeting, but noise and lack of privacy of such spots make them poor choices in the long run. Special note: to guard against sexual misconduct (or accusations of it) it can be important to have something like an open door or window to the space -- which compromises privacy but hopefully adds a degree of safety.Miscellaneous
Predictably, many other factors such as the age, gender, race, nationality, social class, religious background and sexual orientation of all those involved in spiritual direction has adds to the variety of this ministry. For now, such multiculturalism is beyond the scope of this article.
A great starting place is Spiritual Directors International's Seek and Find Guide.
Another directory, with which I am associated, is the Unitarian Universalist Spiritual Directors' Network.
David Scheuneman, 2008